"Why God?" I hear myself asking aloud for probably the fourth time this week. I know I gave a hundred and twenty percent to this. I know my full heart has been in this since day one. This isn't just a paycheck or something to feed my ego, this is my whole heart.
Have you ever wanted something so badly that no matter how much it hurts, you somehow convince yourself it is worth the pain? I don't mean when you finally start working out after a year or two or ten and you are sore. I mean something that continually makes you feel like you are hard to love, worthless and continually not good enough. You convince yourself you are the problem and almost deserve the pain as a punishment. Or worse you get lost in a victim mentality where you just freeze and refuse to do anything.
I have a hard time moving on. I scrutinize every detail of a situation, trying to determine where I went wrong, or could have done more, and how I possibly can rectify the situation. I spend so much time in my head sometimes, that I forget this world is broken. Even the church is made up of hurt people that in turn hurt people daily.
Micah 6:8 tells us, "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with Your God."
This world is not fair. People will use you. People will hurt you. People will love you one minute and drop you the next because people are temporal. But God isn't.
Isaiah 5:16 says, "But the Lord Almighty will be exalted by His justice, and the holy God will show Himself holy by His righteousness."
In order for His justice and righteousness to ever be demonstrated, injustices have to occur. It sucks in the present moment. The very human part of me wants to see situations rectified immediately, but there is a huge difference between social justice and God's justice. Our human definition of justice is very small in scope. We define justice as whether or not something is fair and equal. We want to see that people get what they deserve for their actions, whether good or bad.
But God's justice goes far beyond whether something is fair or equal. Justice from God is intimately personal. It transcends whether someone does or doesn't deserve something and considers the well-being of the persons involved. Justice is linked to shalom or peace. But this peace is greater than a single situation and instead represents a state of wholeness and wellness of your mind, body and spirit.
Romans 3:25-26 says, "God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of His blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate His righteousness, because in his forbearance He had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— He did it to demonstrate His righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus."
Jesus didn't deserve to hang on a cross for my sins. He was sinless. He was sent to this world because God loved us so much that He no longer wanted to see us continually destroy ourselves from sin and disobedience. He didn't come to save the fleeting fleshly part of our existence, but instead our eternal spiritual wellness.
James 1:2-4 tells us, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Admittedly, this passage of scripture is not one of my favorites, but in times of chaos and asking "why?", it brings me comfort. It shows me there is more to His plan than the current situation. It shows me that He has a purpose for my tears and broken heart. We cannot begin to understand God's justice unless we first understand sin. God is not a God of broken promises, double standards, and prideful agendas. He doesn't break your trust again and again and make you question your worth. You are His masterpiece for which He is well pleased.
God doesn't want you in situations that continually make you feel bad about yourself. He doesn't want to see His children needlessly suffering. So sometimes He closes doors in order to protect you. He also understands that this current hurt is only temporal. His understanding is far beyond ours, so it goes without saying that sometimes we simply are not going to understand what He is doing with a situation.
But this I do know, even in the mess, God is still God and God is still good. ♥️
God, meet us where we are today. Sometimes words cannot completely express what we need to say, but You tell us that even then, You can hear our hearts. So for every prayer that we have on our hearts, even those for which we haven't yet formulated into words, please hear our prayers. We love You. We trust You. We know that You are good. Amen.